Little victories mean more when ALS makes the big stuff unwinnable

We’ve been searching for a used car for our daughter, who’s in college. It’s been an interesting distraction for my husband, Todd, and me, because our days are often mundane. Our daughter is busy with classes, work, and dance, but because Todd has ALS and I am his caregiver, we have the time.

Todd knows a lot about cars, and I’ve been learning a great deal about CVT transmissions and turbo engines. I send him car listings, and he reviews the Carfax reports. Since we live at the far northern tip of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan — where we get 200 inches of snow per year and the roads are heavily salted — we’ve been searching for vehicles farther south, where we have friends and family to check them out in person. Good deals go fast.

Last week, I found a promising for-sale-by-owner near St. Paul, Minnesota, that was priced 20% less than comparable vehicles. I messaged the seller, and he sent me the Carfax. Todd reviewed it and saw that it was regularly serviced, so I jumped on it.

I told the seller where we lived, but mentioned that our nephew, who lived nearby, could take a look at it. He said he loved the Upper Peninsula and that his brother went to Michigan Tech, just 15 minutes from our home. We had a good rapport, and I felt confident the vehicle was what he said it was.

“Could our nephew take it for a test drive?” I asked. The seller told me he’d be out of town until Saturday night. “How about Sunday?” I asked. He agreed, but then changed the appointment to Monday.

We transferred the money from our daughter’s bank account so we would be ready to complete the sale, pending our nephew’s approval, and our daughter made plans to pick up the car from him after Thanksgiving.

“We found our daughter a car,” Todd said with a smile that night as I got him ready for bed. We both felt a sense of accomplishment.

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A little loss, a losing battle

So much in our life is out of our control, and there’s no winning the big stuff — the unattainable cure or stopping ALS progression — against a disease that keeps taking. Lately, it feels like Todd has been losing the battle to breathe. Every month, he depends more on his noninvasive ventilator.

But helping our kids gives us purpose, and a little victory felt good. Todd and I were a team, and we found a reliable car at a good price. It made me think of Kevin Malone from “The Office” when he said, after getting his parking spot back, “It’s just nice to win one.”

However, on Sunday night, the seller messaged to say he’d received a full-price offer and had sold the car.

I was so disappointed. Since the seller was out of town until Saturday, busy on Sunday, and we were looking at it on Monday, I thought that we’d be the first in line. And we were going to pay full price! And we had transferred the money. I thought everything was lined up. I was mad and sad, but, of course, this is how things go with car buying.

Even in that moment, I knew my disappointment was an overreaction. You’d think that after 15 years of dealing with matters of life and death, I’d have some perspective and not sweat the small stuff. But sometimes the small things feel like the only places we can still hope for a win. Little victories are sweeter, but little defeats are more bitter. Does this matter in the grand scheme of things? No.

“There are other used cars out there,” I told myself. We may not find as good a deal again, but it’s not the end of the world. We’ve dealt with worse.

And sure enough, a week later, we found another car near Detroit, and Todd’s brother looked at it. More money and more miles, but very clean and well-maintained. Some friends are driving it up when they come to visit family this week. A little win!

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