A dream takes me back to a time before life with ALS
When I woke up, I returned to my primary job — keeping my husband alive
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Last night, I had a dream in which my husband, Todd, did not have ALS. It was a bit of sweet respite from my day-to-day life, and I woke up missing that old version of us.
In real life, I am Todd’s caregiver. He is completely paralyzed and needs my help with everything — eating, toileting, adjusting his fingers and arms, scratching itches, coughing. Our days are centered around his care, and now that he is homebound, we’re pretty isolated.
For the last few years, I haven’t had any dreams in which he hasn’t had ALS. I have dreamed a number of times about him having the disease. In one, he was less disabled, but struggling to walk through a crowded hallway at our children’s school concert. At that time in real life, he was using a wheelchair.
I once had a problem-solving dream in which we were attending an event, and I was trying to figure out where Todd could use the bathroom in his wheelchair.
Free from ALS
But in my dream last night, we were free from ALS without that cloud hanging over our heads. We were free to be ourselves, dealing with the normal stress that came with being who we were.
Long before ALS, and before having a smartphone to give us directions, we got lost trying to find Timberline Lodge Ski Area on Mount Hood while vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. By the time we finally got to the national forest after a two-hour detour, it was raining and not good weather for skiing. We made one run down the hill before calling it quits and then enjoyed our time in the Civilian Conservation Corps-era grand lodge.
The next year, returning from our honeymoon in Bar Harbor, Maine, we arrived at the airport to find that we had missed our flight — by a whole day. Todd had booked our bed and breakfast through Sunday, not realizing he had booked the return flight for Saturday. We managed to get on another flight that day but had to sit apart — not the most romantic ending to our honeymoon — but that was us.
In my dream, true to our old selves, Todd and I were running late. We were having breakfast in a European city near a train station, and after we finished eating, we rushed to catch our train, which was scheduled to leave at 9:30. We arrived at 9:38, frustrated that we had missed it. But then we learned that our train had been delayed, and we were relieved and delighted.
And then I woke up.
Now I’m back to the daily grind of caregiving for my husband, where there are no planes, trains, or exits to miss, and my primary stress is keeping him alive.
But today I have that dream to reflect on. It felt like I was able to time-travel back to life before ALS, when we were partners in adventure.
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