Dreaming of a Life Where My Husband Doesn’t Have ALS

I sometimes dream my husband, Todd, is calling for me at night.

I wake and check the time. If it’s after 5 a.m., I know his nighttime caregiver has left, so I check on him to see if he needs to be turned, have a limb adjusted, or an itch scratched. Sometimes he’s sleeping soundly, so I figure it was just a dream and go back to sleep.

Todd has been disabled in my dreams for years. ALS has invaded my entire life since he was diagnosed with the disease more than a decade ago.

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A few years ago, I dreamed he was struggling to walk with a cane to our daughter’s school auditorium to hear her play in the band. At the time, he was in his wheelchair, but in my dream he was less disabled.

Now it’s hard for Todd to even get out of the house in his wheelchair because his neck is very weak and he doesn’t like going out in public with his noninvasive ventilator. And in recent weeks, my dreams about ALS have become more frequent, especially the dreams of Todd calling for me.

I recently dreamed that he was lying down, and I stopped to make sure he was still breathing. The dream replayed something I often do in reality after I wake. I go into Todd’s room to see if his chest is rising and falling with the whirring noise of the ventilator.

Another night, I dreamed we went to hear President Joe Biden speak at our local theater. When his speech was over, I found out that comedian Tig Notaro was doing a show in a half-hour. I wanted to stay and realized all I needed to do was get Todd’s urinal out of the van and find an accessible bathroom. I was problem-solving ALS care for Todd even in my dreams.

But last week I had a different sort of dream.

I was in our old house where Todd and I lived when our children were born, before the diagnosis. Todd walked past me, busy doing something. I saw him for only a brief moment, but he didn’t have ALS. Of course, since it was a dream, it had a weird element — American Girl dolls were walking around, too. I heard Todd call, and I checked the time. It was after 5, and so I went to check on him. I felt happy and so endeared to my husband. I had gotten our life back for a moment. It was the only reprieve I’ve had from ALS in the last 12 years, and it felt like a gift.

I’ve missed the healthy Todd, and I’ve missed our life. The sweet joy of being out from under the cloud of disease, though only for a moment, stayed with me for the rest of the day.

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