Remembering an old lesson as I try to keep the ‘what ifs’ in their place
Advice I once gave my daughter is relevant to me now
Three years after my husband, Todd, was diagnosed with ALS, I was learning how to live with the ongoing ache of grief. I found myself crying as I watched our then 7-year-old daughter, Sara, ice skate in her program’s spring show. She and the other girls were wearing sparkly leotards with tutus.
“She is just so cute,” I wrote in my journal that day. “So this is life with grief. Tears come to my eyes with the wonderful. I shed tears over the sad. I am much more emotional than I was before the diagnosis. The highs are higher. The lows are lower. And life is still beautiful.”
What we can control
The day before the big show, Sara was nervous. During practices, she had skated wearing her kneepads and helmet, but for the show, she wouldn’t have that safety net.
“What if I fall down?” she asked. Her fear spiraled. “What if there’s a snowstorm and the ice show is canceled?”
Sara Neva, then 7, holds a bouquet following her participation in an ice skating event shortly after her father’s ALS diagnosis a decade ago. (Photo by Kristin Neva)
“No ‘what ifs,’” I told her. “The weather is out of our control, and we don’t need to worry about things that haven’t happened. We live with God’s grace and strength for today.”
It was a lesson I had wrestled with myself in the months after Todd’s diagnosis, when my world fell apart and I was trying to figure out how to navigate the nightmare we were living. My counselor responded to my endless stream of “what ifs” with a similar sentiment.
“Now, if there is something you can control, you can think a little bit about the ‘what ifs,’” I continued, trying to translate that wisdom for a 7-year-old. “Then you make decisions that are good — like skating carefully. But after that, you need to live life.”
It’s a lesson I am still learning more than a decade later.
These days, we haven’t yet found a new caregiver to replace the one who leaves this week. Last week, I put up “Help Wanted” flyers on bulletin boards at our local college and my favorite grocery store. Our usual avenues — church email chains, word of mouth, and social media — haven’t yielded results yet.
I’ve done what I can do — the part that is in my control.
Watching Sara skate that day, I didn’t know how often those lessons would return in new forms over the years. Joy and sorrow continue to coexist as I try to keep the “what ifs” in their place.
Note: ALS News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of ALS News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to ALS.
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