The Secret to Finding Balance as a Caregiver

Kristin Neva avatar

by Kristin Neva |

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“Kristin, I need my eyes wiped again,” my husband, Todd, calls from his office. I had just put drops in his eyes 20 minutes ago, hoping to address the incessant itchiness he was experiencing, and now we are back at it again.

I get up from my desk, grab a clean, dry washcloth, and wipe his eyes.

“Pull down on the inside. Pull down on the outside. Pull across the eyelid. Again. Harder. Now the other eye,” he says.

Since Todd is paralyzed by ALS, he needs help with everything. Every itch. Every adjustment of a limb. Every cough. Every trip to the bathroom. Every meal and snack.

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While writing, I am up and down from my computer multiple times. Every time I have a profound thought, I get interrupted, and then lose my train of thought.

“Sorry to bug you again,” Todd says, “I need my nose wiped.”

“Keep the requests coming,” I tell him. “I’m writing about them.”

“Make a note in parentheses every time I interrupt you,” he says.

On days when I am at my best, I am cheerful in response to his requests because I love him. I can imagine how frustrating it is to be dependent on others for everything.

But sometimes I’m tired or feel like I’m coming down with something, and I’d just like a day off. I’ve had to set boundaries.

On more than one Saturday morning, Todd has called for me, and I woke to turn him, move a limb, or scratch an itch, but he was ready to get out of bed. “I’ll get you up in half an hour,” I’ve said, needing one more stretch of sleep. He might have been fully awake and bored, but he had to tough it out so I could get needed rest.

When we don’t have a nighttime caregiver, I can’t stay up all night, or even get up every hour to turn him. So he stays in his chair so I can get a stretch of uninterrupted sleep. I go to bed early, and he stays on his computer until three in the morning.

After I hurt my shoulder helping him cough, I made a device from two croquet mallets, a short stack of books, and a pool noodle to push on his abdomen. Now when he needs to cough, we first try to loosen the secretions by using the cough assist machine, and then we work to clear his lungs with the “mallet.” It is not as effective as putting my hands directly on him, but it’s what I need to do so I don’t get hurt.

I feel some guilt when I don’t do things for him, or if I don’t do things the way he wants me to do them. I’m left feeling inadequate. But how do I balance care for myself and care for a spouse with a disease that is so overwhelming?

I find perspective if I imagine someone else I love in our shoes. If my best friend had ALS, or if my daughter had ALS, would I want her spouse to care for her with sacrificial love? Absolutely. This question motivates me to step it up.

On the flip side, if my best friend or my daughter was a spouse-caregiver, I would want her to take care of herself. I would remind her that she is only human.

I think the secret to finding the perfect balance is … (Gotta go. Todd is calling.)

Note: ALS News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of ALS News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to ALS.





Mahender avatar


As a caregiver you are doing everything you can and I do realize that with each passing day it is going to be more tough. But I hope with Almighty's blessings and your care there is enough time that a miracle will come through and we have a cure for this. Stay strong and hope for the best. Sincere prayers.


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